Fill me up

Every once and awhile, I have a flashback to how poorly I handled things in my last dating relationship. The cause of the flashback this time was something that Dr. Tom Barrett shared at First Light this week. He talked about what a toll it takes on a family when they never know what mood you are going to be in when you come home from work. Although I've never had the true experience of being the man of the house, I did have a simulated version for almost 2 years. Most of the time that I was dating Ohio (kind of like raising Arizona but with less responsibility), I headed straight to her family's house from work. It was the easiest way for us to hang out, and I got a lot of free meals. In hindsight, this was hard for an introvert with a stressful job. I brought a lot of my frustrations there with me. I could usually put on a good face for the fam, but a lot of days my demeanor toward the one I was closest too--the girl--was miserable.

It got my attention when she would bring it up, but I didn't really think too much about it back then--we had other problems and I justified my demeanor by my crappy job. It hit hard, however, when I had the flashback on Wednesday. I felt hopeless seeing my past and looking to the future. Was the way I acted then--up one day and dour the next--the inevitability of any future family experience that I might have? Life has ups and downs--how in the world was I going to always put a consistent, joyful face on as I walked in the door from work? Then it hit me--it's possible with God's help. I know, I deserve a trophy for such an ingenious idea--everything is possible with God...but it goes a little deeper than that.

Think about the ocean floor. Basically, there's a whole other world down there with mountains and trenches--miles and miles worth of ups and down. But what does it look like from above--pretty flat, right? The water fills in perfectly so that the top is consistently flat (well, except for that pesky moon and it's effect on the tides). I saw my life that same way (sans pesky moon): my internal emotional ups and downs may be as extreme as the ocean floor; however, if I allow the Spirit to fill me up each day, I can present a level surface to those who see me from the outside. Suddenly, it was possible to be different--to not have to relive the past failures of being a question mark as I pulled into the driveway every day.

So now the challenge is to let the Spirit have enough access to my life so that He can fill every trench and cover every mountain with His presence. I need to be so close to the Lord that He fills me completely and my own strivings never rise above the presence of His peace in my life.

Acts 13:52 And the disciples were continually filled with joy and with the Holy Spirit.